Monday, October 22, 2007

Penis Out

Hello everyone. I hope you've enjoyed this farcical blog and realize how ridiculously obsessed we are with "celebrities" and their personal lives, including the relentless curiosity over the sexual preferences and practices of Sven Sundgaard. I have no ill will toward Sven Sundgaard and quite frankly do not concern myself what he does on or off air.

I do not intend on updating this blog any further, as this impulsively deployed joke, lame as it was to begin with, has more than run its full course. I will leave this site up and continue monitor for any new comments if you have them.

Now how about that hug?



Sunday, October 21, 2007

Pen Svundgaard's Senis

You want to know me more huh? Well here you go. I removed some questions because this was too long. Like me! Ha ha ha ha!

1. Are you taller than your best friend?
My best friend is Frank Vascellaro's Penis, so no.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
I like those pens where you dip your ink in the bottle. I like dipping.

3. Look at your planner for November 10, what are you doing?
Well Sven will probably be working but we might go downtown for drinks after that.

4. What color are your toenails usually
Oh dear! I do not have toenails. That would look really wierd on my shaft.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
My length.

6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?
I don't have curtains, but my carpet is the same color as Sven's drapes.

7. What color are your car seats?
I do not have a car.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
Black and white pussy? I will get back to you on that.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
Oh! I mushroom stamped someone's forehead last week. I am very goofy!

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
No but I know a lot of cowboys.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
I had to pay hush money to the person I mushroom stamped.

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
Baby Ruth.

13. Can you spell well?
I try but sometimes I mess up.

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
Oh I do not have teeth but I would imagine it would burn in my urethra.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
I do not have a license and never had a car.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
I do not follow sports much.

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
Six what? Oh FLAGS! Ha ha ha. I thought you said something else.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
I should not be telling you this but Sven hit one of his boys on the coffee table the other day. It is all swollen purple and yellow.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
I keep a framed picture of Jesus next to me.

25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)?
About 250.

26. Last time you received flowers?
Sven Sundgaard's Penis never gets flowers. :-(

28. Do you play air guitar?
No but I have been known to head bang to some hair metal.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Cream! Lots and lots of cream! So much cream!

32. What is/was your high school's mascot?
Harvey the Red Rocket.

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Ooh it stings me. Owy.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
I already know how. I bang away all day in here!

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
Oh I read my news online. Newspapers get ink all over me.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
Oh my gosh! How did you know. Ha ha. Sven bought a crown for me and puts it on me every morening when he wakes up.

44. Are you ticklish?
Yes I invite you to tickle me anytime but I might throw up on you!

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
I prefer cream filled eclairs. Long ones.

49. Do you have a black dog?
Is that some sort of sex thing?

50. Do you like sluts?
Boy do I!

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
I'm an uncle to two bouncing testicles.

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
Me. Just the one eye.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
Every time I look in the mirror.

Sven Sundgaard's Penis loves you!

I don't have an ounce of hatred for anyone in my veiny body. I love everyone in the world. I'm like Michael Jackson without the child molestation (I don't hate him either but he is really wierd!). This is why I want to tell you that I love you! When you go to work tomorrow I hope you tell everyone that Sven Sundgaard's Penis loves you. Tell your boss, tell your coworkers, then go home to your kids and tell them that Sven Sundgaard's Penis loves them too. I also love hugs. I could use one right about... now! Come and get them!

Friday, October 19, 2007

3 word survey!

You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less. It’s harder than you think. Ha ha!!! No, I am harder!!!

1. Where is your cell phone?

Next to me.

2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/hubby?

Does not apply.

3. Your hair?

All around me!

4. Where is your father?

Right here baby.

6. Your favorite thing to do?

Pushups until dawn.

7. Your dream last night?

Twelve inches long.

8. Your favorite drink?

Thick creamy eggnog.

9. Your dream car?

Oscar Mayer Wienermobile!

10. The room you’re in?

Dark and warm.

12. Your fears?

Cannot crane neck.

14. Who did you hang out with last night?

Harry and Lester.

15. What aren’t you good at?

Containing my excitement!

16. Muffins?

Call me studmuffin!

17. One of your wish list items?

Dirty Dancing DVD.

19. The last thing you did?

Spat in toilet.

20. What are you wearing?

Nothing at all!

22. Your pet?

Don't have one.

23. Your computer?

Just an iphone.

24. Your life?

Pretty friggin' good!

25. Your mood?

Almost always chipper.

26. Missing?

Long lost foreskin.

27. What are you thinking about right now?

Warm apple pie.

28. Your car?

Don't have one.

29. Your work?

Bein' a penis!

30. Your summer?

Hot and wet.

31. Your relationship status?

Not your beeswax.

32. Your favorite color(s)?

Peach and pink.

33. When is the last time you laughed?

A minute ago.

34. Last time you cried?

Two minutes ago.

35. School?

Evening law school.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Lunch with Paul Douglas' Penis

I had lunch with Paul Douglas' Penis at Brit's Pub the other day. Even though Paul and Sven work at different stations we penises need to stick together. We talked about starting a support group for penises of local television personalities. I guess support group makes it sounds like we need help but it would be a nice way for us to get together every month and talk about always having just a couple of thin layers of cloth between us and television stardom.

A lot of people wonder what we do to pass the time while our guys are on the news. We cannot do loud things like play Yahtzee or eat Grape Nuts so we have to find quiet ways to be entertained. Sometimes I read, write poems, meditate, or make molds of myself with Play-Doh. Also now that Sven bought me an iphone I can send emails and blog while I am in there waiting for him to finish. That is also good because I can surf the internet while Sven is working on his computer. Don't tell her but while Belinda Jensen was on maternity leave I used her computer a lot. She was probably mad to come back and find cracker crumbs and hair all over her keyboard. Sorry Bel.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I haven't forgotten you Duluth!

Our friends from Duluth, do not think Sven and I have forgotten you. I have such fond memories of long runs that Sven would take up there. The cool breeze off the lake cutting through tight running shorts to keep me from getting all sweaty and wrinkly. Beers at Fitger's. The icy urinals at Black Woods. If you timed it just right you could sometimes catch a cool breeze off the urinal ice too.

Speaking of running, one time Sven went for a run when it was about 50 degrees. We had gone about 3 miles when the wind kicked up. The temperature dropped 15 degrees in just a few minutes. Sven was very excited about this phenomenon but I was not happy. I retracted as far as I could to keep warm but it just was not enough. That was a very long run back. I felt bad because Sven had to pee but I refused to come out until I had warmed up. He almost wet his spandex.

One of these days I will have to tell you about all of my favorite hiding places in Duluth!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Hard to be me

One of the things that is hard about being me is that Sven gets all of the attention. I don't want to sound ungrateful or jealous. Sven is a handsome, talented guy and my best pal, but when does Sven Sundgaard's Penis get a taste of the spotlight? I can't just hang out and around waiting for photographers to snap a picture of me. That would probably be the end of Sven's career and I would not want to do that to him. Although there is that one photo from college where I'm resting on the forehead of... no better not go there. Anyway that is just the price you pay for bein' a penis.